Sometimes it takes 5 years before you are ready to talk about something. This is one of those things.
This Thanksgiving marked the 5 year anniversary since my husband and I set out on the exciting journey to become parents. What we didn’t realize is that if I had been able to conceive we probably would have already had a baby by then. I had this feeling that something might be wrong from the very beginning. Half a year in I knew for sure something was wrong. Charting produced jagged patterns that looked more like mountain peaks from the “The Rockies” instead of a jump to a plateau.
I felt some trepidation about posting this, about being so open and transparent. In fact I almost chickened out, but I feel as if God wants me to talk now. As Levi Lusco puts it, this is “my microphone“. God has brought me to a point where even though it still hurts, I am no longer in a fetal position barely holding on. I feel as if I’ve gone through the fire, but its strange because the “fire is still there”. The only thing that has changed is that God has changed me, so that like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego I am free to praise Him, to delight myself in Him and have close communion with Him in the oven. God has changed me. He has grown my faith and it is my joy to share with you the hope that resonates strong and deep within my soul. A hope that is steadfast and sure no matter what becomes of this earthly life or this body of mine.
Infertility may be a part of the curse on creation that I am deeply acquainted with with. It may have wrought grief and despair that has poured forth in messy uncontrollable sobs, but I refuse to remain frozen in grief. I refuse to give it attention for it’s sake–I will not do that. Instead I declare–no matter the day of my cycle, no matter the season of my life–to God be all glory, and all honor, and all praise. When I speak I want people to listen and to hear Him.
God has taught me so many lessons through my journey in infertility that it would be unfitting for me to write it all out in one blog post, so this is the first in a series, the introduction if you will to one of the most vulnerable parts of my life. One of the most vulnerable–but also to one of the most powerful.
To God be the glory.